The #1 Reason Every Woman Needs A Man

I’m not going to mince words here, because this needs to be said and I’m just the man to say it. And make no mistake – if you are a woman and you refuse to heed my words, you are choosing a life of failure.

Here it is:

Every woman needs a man.

You don’t believe me? Well I didn’t say it; the Bible did.

But don’t expect me to go looking up those verses for you. If you follow my advice you won’t need me to prove my points from Scripture, and if you refuse to follow my advice then no amount of scripture bombs proof-texting scriptural support will save you from your inherent weakness: the folly that is woman.

But you don’t have to take my word for it. Just read what these other men have to say about women.

What you wear

First let’s hear from Pastor Rick Hermann, who is extremely concerned that too many women today don’t have a godly father/husband/older guy in their lives. So he’s stepping into the gap for you.

As someone that cares about Christian women I want to give a little pastoral/fatherly counsel. I find there are less and less young ladies that have a Godly father or male role model to speak truth into their lives. I would like to speak to Christian females as a loving father, as if I am talking to my three girls.

His big concern? The evil of yoga pant.

And you know they must be evil because, as your self-appointed surrogate father, Pastor Hermann is really concerned about them. Listen to him, women; he’s the strong father you’ve been missing your whole lives.

And don’t you dare wear yoga pants.

Men can wear yoga pants, women can't (a href="http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/03/men-in-yoga-pants-hilarious-photos/Me in Yoga Pants

Men can wear yoga pants, women can’t (Men in Yoga Pants)

Who you marry

Next we’ll hear from Tim and David Bayly, whose concern for women is so strong that they insist no woman should be trusted to select her own husband. Instead, according to their post Wooing as Warfare, the husband should select her.

The young man who pursues marriage enters a foreign land where he wages war. On the hinges of that battle lie happiness or shame.

But though a potential bride may be deeply loved, she’s also at some level the foe. To achieve victory the young man must not only win her, he must defeat her and her family, snatching her from their bosom, converting her to himself, breaking her natural bonds with father and mother, brother and sister, nurse and friend, dog and home. There’s little that’s tender about it.

The time-honored techniques never go out of style  (Source)

The time-honored techniques never go out of style
(Source)

Of course, it’s not that the father has no say at all in the matter. If the wrong young man gets a hold of his daughter, the father can – and must! – step in and fix everything and make it all better whether she wants him to or not.

Scripture reveals certain fatherly privileges that apply only to daughters. A father can veto his daughter’s vows and God will hold her guiltless.

Oh the blessings of such “fatherly privileges” the Bayly brothers find for us. (Us fathers, that is.)

Of course it’s not all a life of privilege for fathers. We also have responsibilities to our daughters. Or rather, as Voddie Baucham points out, we fathers have a responsibility to our daughters’ future husbands. In the chapter “Don’t Send a Woman to Do a Man’s Job” from his book What He Must Be: …If He Wants to Marry My Daughter, Mr. Baucham says:

Quite simply, our jobs as fathers is to present our daughters to their husbands as virgin brides (Deuteronomy 22:13-21).

So women, please let a man do a man’s job when it comes to ensuring your virginity. And when it comes to making sure you don’t marry the wrong man. And when it comes to telling you how to raise your kids. But I get ahead of myself; that’s the next section.

How you raise your children

Women, here’s the most important part. If you don’t let a man tell you how to raise your children you are going to wind up with dead children. How do I know? Because John Piper said so.

You see, Piper once saw a mother on an airplane handle her child in a way he disapproves of. The flight attendant told the mother her child needed to turn off an electronic toy. That’s when things took a turn for the worse, he says.

When the flight attendant took her seat, the boy turned his device back on, and kept it on through the take off. The mother did nothing. I thought to myself, she is training him to be shot by police.

Mr. Piper should know. He says he once read an article about a boy in California who was shot by police for not lowering a toy gun when they told him to. Mr. Piper admits that he doesn’t know whether the boy heard the police instructions or what type of family the boy came from, but he is sure that the boy must have grown up being  disobedient to his parents, that this is the root cause of his death, and that the same death awaits the little boy on the airplane if that young mother doesn’t learn how to be a better parent.

Children on planes - there ought ot be a law!  ()

Children on planes – there ought to be a law! (Should You Hire An In-Flight Nanny?)

Listen to men!

If you’re still wondering what you can and cannot do, listen to a man who knows exactly how you women should live your lives.

Who is that man? It’s Wayne Grudem, who made a detailed list covering 83 activities women can and can’t do. 83 of them! You know it must be a good list because it’s so long. (Pay no attention to the fact that Paul said in Colossians 2 that list-making and rule-following isn’t profitable. He was talking about something else. Something completely else, I’m sure. Don’t you dare look it up for yourself, women! Just trust me!)

Wayne Grudem, making a list and checking it twice  (Source)

Wayne Grudem, making a list and checking it twice
(Source)

What you women really need

What women really need is not just a man, although that would make you a lot better off than you are on your own. What you really need is someone mightier than a mere man.

You women need a PATRIARCH. There are plenty to choose from:

  • Why, there’s Bill Gothard. Oh wait, he was just put on leave from his ministry while they look into obviously trumped up allegations of misconduct with young women.

  • You could try Fred Phelps. No, didn’t he pass away recently? Don’t know who took over for him at Westboro Baptist yet, but if you find the new guy you can try him.

  • I know, you can choose Geoffrey Botkin! I’m sure his daughters would be thrilled to share the father they revere.

Anyway, it really doesn’t matter which man you choose. What matters is that he’s a man.

That’s what women need.

***

[Here’s what happens when the false doctrine of patriarchy runs amok.]

***

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65 Responses to The #1 Reason Every Woman Needs A Man

  1. Lisa Pearce says:

    The Grudem guy seems like an insecure man trying to secure a position for himself and other like-minded men by excluding competition from 51% of the population! He wouldn’t be so smug if he had to compete for leadership against smart, determined, educated and passionate women. His justifications based on a biased reading of Scripture is no less vile than the justifications for slavery – and it is motivated by the same fear and insecurity.

  2. janehinrichs says:

    I didn’t realize there was so many men who have strong public platforms who actually believe this stuff.

  3. EricaM says:

    So it’s okay for women to hold a Bible study or to teach Sunday school, so long as all the males present are under 18. That is, in essence, what that list is saying. Because we all know that once a boy turns 18, he suddenly is incapable of profiting from teaching by a woman and must be taught by a man. I think this might explain a lot about these guys, actually…

  4. Jeannie says:

    I learned a lot from this post, Tim — most of it I wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t told me! Thank you for the valuable public service you have performed today.

  5. jamie says:

    Mwahahaha. Well done, Tim!

  6. Terri says:

    Tim, I understand the point you are trying to make, but I was sorry to see you use John Piper’s article about the necessity of teaching our children to obey. He addressed the article to PARENTS, not mothers only. Quote: “I am writing this to plead with Christian parents to require obedience of their children. I am moved to write this by watching young children pay no attention to their parents’ requests, with no consequences.” He felt the child being allowed to ignore the flight attendant was the same principle of disobedience with no consequences that led to the 13 year old’s tragic death when he ignored the police. You might disagree with him or feel that he is being overly dramatic, but it doesn’t seem right to mock him the way you did. “Women, here’s the most important part. If you don’t let a man tell you how to raise your children you are going to wind up with dead children. How do I know? Because John Piper said so.”

    • Tim says:

      Piper did address it to parents, that’s true Terri. I appreciate you taking the time to add that info for people who might not click through.

      The reason I used it in this satire (and I still think it’s a fair use) is that Piper also has a long record of teaching that women are subordinate to men, and that article is based on what he saw one woman do (or not do) with her son. He is so uncharitable to that young mother that it is clear he has no real regard for what she was going through. He doesn’t care about her and her son, just his own ideas of what good parenting is.

      For example, he doesn’t know how long she and her son have been traveling, how rough a day it’s been for them, what they are traveling for (fun? a funeral?), or even if the boy might have a disability of some sort. Piper jumps immediately to assuming it’s a matter of the mom being a bad parent.

      So is his article directed to parents generally? Yes. But did he also feel free to criticize that mom and feel superior to her in supposedly knowing what’s best for her and her child when she didn’t? Absolutely. And whether he’s directing it to both parents or not, that type of attitude is patriarchal nonsense.

  7. karen d says:

    this is so funny! i have no data to prove this hunch, but i suspect the reason there has been so much effort by TGC and the Christian patriarchy folks to rein women in is because freedom in Christ is really catching on. Fundamentalist thinking retrenches, it seems, by retreating to ever more conservative postures (like Grudem’s lists). I suspect he in particular, and Piper too aren’t so much trying to rob women of anything so much as mistakenly (i believe) “contend for the gospel.” The other guys — Phelps, Botkin, Gothard — these men are truly sick-minded.

  8. Well done, Tim. Well done. And yes, it is frightening and sad and infuriating to me that so many high-profile Christians are (still!) saying these types of things and pushing this position onto so many…

  9. Mary Anne says:

    Tim, you really should save up this post and run it again–on April Fools’ Day!

    On a more serious note: I wish these pig-headed idiots (no insult intended to the pig community) would have some consideration for women like me who have prayed a long time over marriage and are still single and wondering why. No doubt they’d be glad to step in and tell me my attitude is all wrong, that I’m single because I’m not willing to stop thinking something over just because a man said it, or because I didn’t want to have children (moot point now), or any number of reasons that really come down to what you’ve explored in your post: that being female doesn’t make me a second class citizen in the Kingdom of God.

    And in the words of Dave Barry, “I am not making this up.” I have indeed been told that I was going against God’s will by not wanting to have children, or by being resistant to bad doctrine that came from someone from a Y chromosome, or by actually having a job instead of folding my hands and letting my folks support me until some man came along to drag me away by the hair.
    Good luck with that, fellas . . .

    • Tim says:

      “Good luck with that, fellas” makes a great tag line for this post, Mary Anne.

    • Mary Anne, I am in the same position as you in many ways. I accepted Christ at a young age, prayed for years (as I was instructed to do by Christian family, friends, material I read, etc) for a spouse, never got one, and am over the age of 40 now. I was ambivalent about having children.

      So even for the Christian lunkheads who may be implying to you that you never got married because God was punishing you for not wanting kids, I am a foil to that – I am like you, only I was okay with having kids (provided I met the right guy, married him by the time I hit 35).

      On a larger, more general point (and this is something I have discussed on other blogs), these gender roles mean nothing to women who are single: if you have never married, if you are divorced, or widowed, these complementarian roles guys such as Piper insist everyone abide by mean nothing.

      The vast majority of gender complementarian blogs, books, speeches, etc, I have seen over the years are aimed at married mothers.

      About 99% of the time, these gender comps never address, discuss, encourage, or advise never-married or childless women (and rarely the divorced and widows).

      Advocates of so-called “biblical womanhood” (aka gender complementarianism) are abnormally fixated upon motherhood and wifehood, which is, IMO view, a huge weakness in their roles on gender.

      The Apostle Paul spent quite a chunk of New Testament space talking about widows and singlehood (and how in some ways singleness is superior to marriage and having kids), but not gender complementarians, oh no. They say next to bupkiss about adult singles.

      • Tim says:

        And at times when they do talk to adult singles – women or men – it is with the label “pre-married”. Sad.

      • Jennifer says:

        I am also an older single. Never wanted kids. Never wanted to be a house wife (no offense to stay-at-home mothers and wives). In many ways, I am non-traditional, but in other ways I am. I have never understood why anyone decides for or against something for themselves based on some idealized 1950s notions of gender. I also didn’t pursue independence or my choices of college studies to make a feminist statement. I followed,my interests and skills.

        Miss Daisy Flower — You are correct that the complementarians’ ideas really only address married people.

        “On a larger, more general point (and this is something I have discussed on other blogs), these gender roles mean nothing to women who are single: if you have never married, if you are divorced, or widowed, these complementarian roles guys such as Piper insist everyone abide by mean nothing.”

  10. Pastor Bob says:

    I find the information, the thoughts, the ideas a bit strange. After reading what you have posted, and trying to understand the comments, I must be missing something. Satire is one thing, but the point is lost.
    On the one hand you seem to mock ideas that have worked, but not perfectly. On the other hand you seem to contradict what you have said. The more I dig, the more I read, the more confused.
    My wife sought advice before making the decision to marry me from many, including older male figures. Not bad advice, when love struck one can miss things. A good friend shares a story of pain, his daughter married someone with emotional issues. She was unable or unwilling to see them until after the daughter was born. Divorce is never advocated, but separation to think things out. Young mother declined. Situation deteriorated, she no acknowledges that this was not a good situation, maybe I should have listened.
    One night young mother was killed by this man, my friend is raising the grad-daughter as his own child, I stood up for him at the adoption proceedings.
    Unusual, yes. do women need a father figure, yes (and men TOO!!)

    How to define morality, seems to be a central theme. This is a heavy topic that needs more than a light brushing over. For the “bad examples” cited, so many more good example exist, say 10,000 to one. A the children in my life grew, they learned two principles shared here: (1) You are old enough to make your own decisions, LISTEN to what those who love have to say, think it over and pray over it. Then decide. (2) Whatever decision you make, you are loved.

    My advice has been cast-off, but hose who do so are still loved. I will help with consequences (go to court with you – yes, done that) guide and share.

    Advice never hurt, it the following of bad advice that causes problems.

    • Tim says:

      Advice and encouragement and support are great and well-grounded in Scripture. Men running women’s lives no matter how old they are is not.

  11. Brian says:

    Tim,your my favorite guy to read ,but like this Pastor although I’m usually keen at catching nuances and sarcasm I’ve had to go back and read this a couple of times as I wasn’t sure if you kinda takin a shot at women,fortunately all the great comments from the women here I realize your in real good company and I need help,I still get messed up sorting out what is scripture really saying ? But Jesus biggest supporters in his life seemed to be the women more than his disciples,in our amazing church I lead some of the prayer meetings ,last week we had 20 people 3 were men, typical, I have to go back and click through your highlighted areas,even though I have some real bad old chauvinism in me I managed staff for over 35 yr’s in a shop and I always paid the woman equal or more than the men.I know a lot of women might say Whoopty- doo for you but I saw a lot of business’s not do it, and I could never conceive the rational,your the best man ! So are your women followers of your blog !

    • Tim says:

      Thanks, Brian. I did try to make this all about exposing the foolishness of those men who were trying to tell women what to do; hence striking through “scripture bomb” and “proof text” at the beginning, which I thought would signal my intent to skewer the ideas presented in the various links. Sorry my purpose to support women didn’t come across as clearly as I’d hoped!

  12. Anonymous2 says:

    I dated one of the Bayly sons a long time ago. Wow, am I glad we didn’t click. I had no idea how nutty they would turn out. My life would have been miserable.

  13. Okay, I read Wayne Grudem’s list (against my better judgment), and here’s what I’m wondering:

    Why is it wrong for a woman to teach doctrine in a Christian seminary, but not wrong for her to write a book about Christian doctrine, which might be read by the seminary students? Isn’t the word “author” related to the word “authority”?

    And why is it not okay for a woman to teach Bible in a Christian college, but just fine for her to teach it in a secular college?

    And why is it okay for her to sing a solo in front of the church, with lyrics that teach (maybe she even wrote the song herself), when it would be wrong for her to teach the same things as a speaker? Do the music and rhyming lyrics provide some sort of “spiritual covering” that diminishes her authority?

    And if she cannot teach men over eighteen in a class or small group, why is it acceptable for her to counsel men one-on-one? Shouldn’t they get advice/guidance from another man? And shouldn’t the one-on-one sessions be chaperoned?

    Am I the only one who thinks the list is just a bit arbitrary?

    Or perhaps, as my BFF would say, “Oops, now you’re thinking like a normal person!”

    (Sorry, I know this post was months ago, but I just found it.)

    • Tim says:

      I’m so glad you found the post, Anne, because your comment is outstanding. The list truly is arbitrary and irrational, just as your insights describe.

      I’ve heard one rationalization from John Piper on the writer versus preacher role for women. He explained that when he’s reading a woman she is not standing in authority over him, but when she’s preaching to him she is. He also said that if he ever felt himself starting to submit to a woman writer’s authority, though, then he’d have to put the book down because he’d be in sin to keep reading it. He conflates authority – as in someone being an authority on a subject – with superiority. His camp thinks men are superior in the teaching roles, and that it’s unbiblical for a woman to appear superior to men in teaching. Sheesh.

      • Jennifer says:

        “Sheesh” is right, Tim. My stomach was turning as I read this comment. Oh man (no pun intended) do they hate women. That is saddening. Because of him and others like him, many young girls and women will be brought up with religious shaming of their gender. Their desire to please God will be inextricably tied into a man’s purview. So, in order to satisfy the woman’s healthy and profound desire to please God, she will be deceived into believing that her mental abilities, moral compass and spirituality cannot possibly be holy/pure/proper/Godly (gasp!) in independent communion with God. Instead, it must exist only in relation to a human male who is presumed to be held in higher regard by God than she is.

        • Tim says:

          Right. Only through a husband or father (or father figure) as mediator can a woman reach her potential in their eyes.

    • Tina Seward says:

      I don’t understand why my minister can stand up and preach and be praised, but if his daughter were to preach the same sermon word-for-word, she’d be condemned.

  14. Oh dear God, help us all.
    Haha but seriously, thanks for this post. I enjoyed it immensely. It’s always so encouraging to me when I find men who won’t listen to the dogmatic drivel that can come out of ultraconservative belief systems. There are so many contradictions and false dichotomies, it makes my head ache. I myself grew up heavily influenced by beliefs like this, and I’m still trying to recover from the damage it did to my mindset and identity as a woman.

  15. This is absolutely brilliant, and hilarious! I’ll be sharing this gleefully.

  16. homedreamer07 says:

    This made me laugh. And wince. A pretty good summation of patriarchy in the church right here.

  17. Kathi says:

    I’m sorry, I couldn’t get past the picture of the man in yoga pants. What was that you were saying? LOL!

  18. Lisa says:

    You should read Jack Hyles. He says that girls must never be allowed to make a decision or to talk back at all to any adult. At any time, for any reason; she must obey. (And then we wonder how so many little girls get molested.) She must be told from toddlerhood that it is simply her lot in life to be a servant to a man. He writes that if she is trained from the beginning that she must wait on Dad–for instance, never allow his glass at the dinner table to dip an inch but get up and refill it when he drinks–then she will transfer this over to her husband. It’s vomit-inducing.

    • Tim says:

      Why any man would want to marry a woman raised to act like that is beyond me, Lisa. I want a wife who is a full and equal partner as we go through life, not a child in an adult body.

  19. lucyjstone says:

    Tim, you’ve opened my eyes. My natural female folly in not being married, and not having a father who dictates my life choices and ensures I am 100% Guaranteed Virgin (with FREE set of steak knives if you call now!) is obviously what has been hampering my life of freedom in Christ (not to mention my collection of yoga pants. I’d better burn them.). What a fool I’ve been. Thank you for your sincere efforts to correct my feminine weakness — I’m off to beg my father to find me a husband!

  20. Joy says:

    Excellent article! But after clicking through to the links, I’m literally grimacing!! #smashthepatriarchy

  21. Purple Kitti says:

    “I’m not going to mince words here, because this needs to be said and I’m just the man to say it. And make no mistake – if you are a woman and you refuse to heed my words, you are choosing a life of failure.

    Here it is:

    Every woman needs a man.

    You don’t believe me? Well I didn’t say it; the Bible did.”

    Yup. Very true. Every woman needs a man.

    Every man needs a man.

    That man’s name is Jesus.

    😀

    Btw, after reading the Bayly links (which I simply could not finish), I can’t possibly recoil backwards into the wall any further… Ewww. That stuff’s appalling.

  22. customboots says:

    To Pastor Hermann:
    That should be “fewer and fewer” young ladies.
    Personally, I find that too many people don’t know the difference between less and fewer. I could probably find as many Bible verses about that as you can find about yoga pants.

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