Year-end lists are required on every blog. (There’s a law somewhere saying so, I’m sure.) Here’s my list of the top five movie remakes never filmed in 2014 or any other year. We can all give thanks:
Casablanca Cruising: a musical extravaganza – Sam the piano man takes center stage in this rollicking adventure, with Captain Renault at the helm steering a steady course, plus Rick Blaine as the cruise director with activities sure to delight the dourest Nazi and the most skittish of war refugees. There’s madcap fun on the high seas when everyone turns out for the treasure hunt to find the elusive letters of transit that will allow passengers to disembark at cruise’s end. But who would want to!
Grease: a space odyssey – Rough-around-the-edges Danny and his high school pals build a rocket ship out of spare parts from their hot rods and blast off for adventure. Good girl Sandy sets the spaceship’s radio to a galactic signal playing “Bicycle Built For Two” on endless loop. Unmarried and pregnant Rizzo delivers a massive baby on some far off planet. No one makes it back to earth to finish high school.
Chitty-chitty, Bang-bang, You’re Dead – Quentin Tarantino’s adaptation of the beloved Ian Fleming children’s book takes film noir to a new level as an eccentric inventor and his adorable children join 007 on a deadly mission to foil SPECTRE’s latest plan for world domination. Weapons-master Q (the beautiful Truly Scrumptious) provides all the toys and gadgets the children need to save the world.
The Sound of the Music Man – After escaping Nazi occupied Austria, the Von Trapp family run a musical con game in one small town after another where the Captain pretends to transform wayward children (his own, of course) into a singing sensation overnight, and then promises to do the same for the town’s children for a sizeable fee. Maria eventually finds legitimate work as a librarian and convinces her husband and children to trade their life of crime for the joy of learning the Dewey Decimal System.
West Side Story-tellers – A turf war between rival street gangs takes an unexpected turn when the Jets challenge the Sharks to a contest of who can tell the tallest tale. When one gang bends the rules by breaking into song, the other retaliates with show-stopping choreography.