Top 5 Books Not To Read On World Book Day

In honor of World Book Day, I offer these suggestions of five books not to read:

5) A Whale of Two Cities: When Charles Dickens’ publisher bought the rights to Herman Melville’s works, they thought they had a sure fire winner in creating a single sequel for two separate books. They were wrong. It’s a blubbering mess.

4) The Remains of the Clay: An English butler finds himself a relic of a bygone era. Adrift in a changing world, he seeks a new outlet for his single-mindedness through sculpting classes at the local community center. When he realizes no one cleans up after themselves he feels compelled to tidy up all the extra clay left laying around.

3) Gone With the Wind Chimes: After Sherman marches through Georgia, one enterprising craftsman capitalizes on the wrack and ruin left behind by using the scraps to create wind chimes. As a swipe at the invading Union forces, every chime is tuned to play Dixie if the wind blows just right. The book ends with Sherman chomping a cigar in frustration.

2) The Old Man and the Sebring: An old man drives a big car in a city of small parking spaces. The smallest is the one in front of his house. This novel chronicles his daily struggle to fit his car into the space. The storytelling is so realistic you’ll want to jump onto the page and park his car for him.

And the number one book to avoid reading on World Book Day is:

1) Harry Potter and the Minivan: This long-awaited sequel follows the adventures of Harry and Ginny Potter as they run errands, take their kids to music lessons and swim practice, and sip their lattes across the street from the mechanic’s shop waiting for them to finish the oil change. Long-time Harry Potter fans now realize why the original series ended before Harry and Ginny and the rest got married and settled down.

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21 Responses to Top 5 Books Not To Read On World Book Day

  1. Kathi says:

    Whew, I’m glad I haven’t bothered to read any of those! 😉

    Although, I am curious to know if the minivan flies.

  2. Jeannie says:

    These are awesome, Tim! Why, you might even enjoy Remains of the Clay as much as you enjoyed Remains of the Day! If that’s even possible. 😉

    • Tim says:

      It wouldn’t be hard for me to enjoy any book more than The Remains of the Day, Jeannie. 😉

      “Oh look, there’s an owner’s manual for a set of electric hair clippers next to my copy of The Remains of the Day.” [Reaches for owner’s manual.]

      • I enjoyed The Remains of the Day, but I found The Unconsoled an exercise in the futility of reading for people who love reading. I still think Kazuo Ishiguro is an unparalleled genius.

        • Jeannie says:

          I do too, Sandy. I teased Tim about ROTD because I know how much he dislikes it; but I think it is a flawless book. (Sad, pathetic, and infuriating, but flawless too.) I haven’t read The Unconsoled — maybe I’ll give it a miss. BTW have you ever read The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes? We’re doing it for our book club this weekend. It reminded me a lot of ROTD (in terms of the narrator). Anyway, enough of this tangent…

        • Tim says:

          Jeannie, you can never have too much of a good tangent.

  3. Erica M. says:

    I’d read Harry Potter and the Minivan, because I’m sure they can’t go anywhere without hijinks ensuing.

    (Also, I like the image of Anthony Hopkins taking a pottery class. It’s a good mental image.)

  4. Persis says:

    These are great! Hope you don’t mind, but I’m borrowing your idea. 🙂

  5. HAHAHA!

    How about ‘The Life and Times of Knickerless Nickleby’ – not suitable for children or those of a sensitive disposition. The young man leaves many Victorian ladies fainting in his wake until he is finally gifted the appropriate missing undergarments by a mystery benefactor who turns out not to be his uncle’s son’s half-brother’s dog. ‘Bleat House’ – the sequel to Bleak House in which Esther and her husband move to his native Wales (hint: Wales is known for its sheep, among other things). ‘Great Eggspectations’ – the gentlemen await the arrival of an ostrich, so they can enter the competition for cooking the world’s largest fried egg.

  6. Laura Droege says:

    I want to read A Whale of Two Cities! Do the French revolutionaries send Moby-Dick to the guillotine?!

  7. Pastor Bob says:

    From the wordsmith
    I should have suspected
    But forlorn that i am
    I have opened my self
    to Punishment.

    and nicely dun…………

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