Staying Home While My Wife Goes Out Is Fine With Me

[A dialog based on too many conversations, and some turns I would have liked those conversations to have taken.]

***

“What’d you do this weekend?”

“I spent Saturday morning in the kitchen cutting up vegetables to roast.”

“Aren’t you married?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Then you have a wife to do the kitchen work.”

“She was at the gym.”

“Oh, I see. She was working out to make sure she keeps her figure to stay attractive for you.”

“What? No. What?”

“A woman wants to look good for her man!”

“She was just working out with her friends.”

“Well, the ladies do need their time together.”

“She works out with men and women.”

“Together? I’d put a stop to that if it were my wife. She’d be at home doing that kitchen work.”

“You do know men are allowed to cook, right?”

“Sure we’re ‘allowed’ to, but it’s better that women do those things.”

“So I shouldn’t have done the grocery shopping, too?”

“Why would you have to do that?”

“I didn’t have to, I just did it. My wife was at work and I wasn’t.”

“Your wife was at work? You mean outside the home?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t mean to get personal, but don’t you make enough money for your family to live on?”

“What does that have to do with anything?

“The Bible says women should stay home while men work. That’s how I run my house, biblically.”

“You mean like the Proverbs 31 woman?”

“Exactly. Now you’re talking!”

“Yeah, she was great. All that buying and selling real estate, starting up new businesses, staying up all night in order to make sure her goods got a fair price on the trading market.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You mean run your house like Jephthah did when he was Judge over Israel?”

“I don’t know about …”

“He was a decisive father who meant what he said. Even sacrificed his daughter because of a rash vow. But he sure showed his family what it means to be a man of his word!”

“I wouldn’t say he’s what I meant.”

“What about Nabal and Abigail? She knew what was best for their household and wasn’t afraid to act accordingly. She even went behind her husband’s back to deal directly with David. Now there’s a biblical example of family life.”

“Their marriage isn’t what I had in mind.”

“I know, you meant someone like Ananias. He told his wife what to do and what to say, and she obeyed him right up to her death. It didn’t matter if it meant lying to God in front of the apostles. He told her to do it and she did. What a great wife!”

“We don’t run our family like that!”

“‘We’?”

“I mean me. That’s not how I run our family.”

“You don’t? Those are all biblical examples of family life. Every one is in Scripture.”

“But they’re not what I meant by saying we live biblically.”

“It’s not biblical to insist a woman stay home while a man goes out to work, either. We each have the freedom in Christ to work or not work as is best for our family.”

“OK, I’ll give you that. But I still say it’s still best if the man is the one leading and the woman follows.”

“Did I tell you that my wife is the one who asked me to have the vegetables cut up for her by the time she got back from the gym?”

***

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22 Responses to Staying Home While My Wife Goes Out Is Fine With Me

  1. Colleen says:

    I read this and calmly walked over to my office door, closed it, and locked it. I then jumped up and down punching my fist in the air doing a “You rock, Tim Fall!!!” dance. Just thought you should know how you started my day. :o)

  2. Lynn Thaler says:

    I love it. Marriage shouldn’t have to be a power play or an ego trip.

  3. This is hilarious and great, Tim — though it’s a little sad that it is based on real conversations. I wish it was something you made up totally from your imagination. 🙂 😦 I hope you get a chance to use all those responses someday!

    • Tim says:

      The parts where I’m referring to all the biblical marriage examples are the responses I come up with too late to add into the conversations. The rest of it is based on real dialogs. Yikes.

  4. deelmo says:

    I say this with humor, but if there ever were a ‘knight in shining armor’ – it would be the man(you) in this post. I’m sure your wife greatly respects you. As is your ‘friend’s biblical’ beliefs of a wife should. The thing is – you have it right, he may never have it.

  5. Lea says:

    Ha! Amazing that people actually ask you these things! I know it happens, but I don’t know anyone who talks like that unless they are joking. Except people on twitter.

    But the biblical stuff, yeah. I’m going to have to look up the human sacrifice thing, since somebody mentioned it at church.

    • Tim says:

      I’ve had men say those types of things to me. Nowadays I put a stop to it.

    • joepote01 says:

      And sometimes joking isn’t joking. Too often, especially in church, these attitudes are passed off as humor, but are actually deep-rooted beliefs. The smile is just cover in case anyone calls them on it…”Can’t you have a sense of humor?”

  6. Vashra Araeshkigal says:

    I am confused on the last line. Is it sarcasm? From many of your other posts, I assume your wife does not order you about anymore than you would order her about. But the worsing left me unsure.

    • Laura Droege says:

      Vashra, he wrote that his wife asked him to do it, not ordered him to do it. There was (more than likely) the understanding that he would chop the veggies, but also the understanding that this was a request and if something urgent arose, she would be understanding and not pitch a hissy fit over it.

    • Tim says:

      There’s no sarcasm, Vashra, as no one ordered anyone to do anything.

      • Vashra Araeshkigal says:

        Sorry. Because the last part is a question, I remain slightly unclear.

        English frequently makes sarcastic use of a question to actually make a statement, and it can be hard to parse with certainty in text.

        You ask your conversation partner, ” Did I tell you that my wife is the one who asked me to have the vegetables cut up for her by the time she got back from the gym?”

        If you were being sarcastic (perhaps that is not the correct word), there would be a vocal emphasis on “tell,” and you would really be calling your partner out for making the *assumption* that your wife asked (let alone ordered) you to chop the vegetables. Nowhere in the conversation do you previously indicate that it wasn’t simply your autonomous choice to chop vegetables.

        But if you weren’t being sarcastic, then your wife *did* actually ask you to chop the vegetables, and you agreed, which in a normal healthy world would also be fine, but which I suspect might make your conversation partner have some kind of fit.

        I was just curious which it actually was.

        • Tim says:

          Good call, Vashra. It is the latter, with the thorough intent to make the conversation partner blow a gasket (idiom for have a fit).

  7. Omg Tim this is fabulous! Love it!

  8. Muff Potter says:

    Great stuff Tim! Satirical spoof has always been a good way to broach stuff that for the most part causes battle lines to be drawn. This whole shootin’ match between what some consider to be gender roles by divine mandate, and those who don’t could use some humor.

    • Tim says:

      Thanks, Muff. It’s good to know I hit the right tone. This is important stuff and humor can sometimes grease the skids.

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